To a Radio Person, facial hair is the sign of a true journeyman or at the very least a morning show guy. Because Radio People tend to meet two types of listeners and they need to be prepared for both; those they can win over with their gallery of people they met that is stored on their iPhone (see entry # 1) and people they feel the need to wax esoterically and pretend they can do more than recite Daily Show bits and Dane Cook shtick.
To the Radio Person the beard, or more popular goatee is synonymous with a modern day Hume or at the very least Benjamin Franklin. I mean just look at the Radio Icons who sport the facial hair:
Wolfman Jack…he has a cool name, a cool voice, and he is part Werewolf, where is the downside?
Mancow…he wrote a book
Bob and Tom…and that other guy in the photo and I think the girl tried but couldn’t grow any.
Opie and Anthony, they got people to have sex in a church…who wouldn’t want to emulate them
The problem is Radio People have been cursed with a genetic flaw; Well, there is certainly more than one ,but have patience dear friend, we will get to all of them. The flaw is that while all of them desire to wear the mark of the beast, very few can actually grow facial hair, as if God’s cruel joke was to enslave them to a pre-pubescent lifestyle both mentally and physically…that way they may play World of Warcraft til they are 50 but can never grow a Wolfman Jack-like mane.
In fact, those Radio People who simply cannot grow facial hair have created their own genre of Radio, which we call Conservative Talk. They figure that if the Gay-Bashing, Ill-informed opinions, and political hate-speak doesn’t tip you off to the format, the lack of a beard will.
Guys like Sean Hannity:
Rush Limbaugh
And every one’s favorite Anti-Beard: Bill O’Reilly
So if you find yourself at a cocktail party and some guy is hogging the spotlight telling stories of doing body shots off Christina Aguilera, check to see if he has a beard, goatee, or porno mustache. If he does ask him how his station is trending 18-34 females. If he doesn’t ask him what he thinks about gay marriage, either way you will shift the life of the party in your favor.
Oh, my Gawd—seeing Sean Hannity’s pic reveals that the significance of a miracle. I recently saw a piece of toilet paper that got missed in the flush, floating about. Imprinted on it, in brown, was the likeness of Mr. Hannity. What do you suppose that means? Is it just a coincidence?
doody
Almost perfect…Though I know of a local conservative talk host who sports the ’stache.