Nothing sets the Radio world on fire than the time of year when “books” are coming out. These are the times of year when a company called Arbitron spins that wheel from The Price is Right and the wheel from Wheel of Fortune while burning the wings of butterflies to come up with your “rating” or how you are doing in your given market. Sure, it lacks any sort of statistical background and probably borders on alchemy, but if Radio People are anything, they are sedentary and changing the system involves work…so we pray for no whammies instead.
So, when that “Book” comes out the number that everyone in America sees, the number your boss holds you accountable for, the number that his boss is looking at, the number that baby Jesus wants to see next to your name when you go to Radio Heaven, the number is 12+.
Yup, 12+…a demographic that covers a person who has a subscription to Tiger Beat and one who gums at applesauce and poops their pants. A demographic that covers a Great Grandfather and their Great Granddaughter that, my friend, is what people measure your successes on.
Honestly, outside of oxygen and perhaps solid foods, name three things that a 12 year old and a 99 year old would have in common, cause you should not be able to. But Radio People LOVE 12+ precisely because it is what they are measured on and if you get that elusive # 1 12+ but miss your actual demo of 18-34 or maybe 25-54 (another jacked demo) it maters not because you are a fucking Jedi who was able to get a 12 year old and a 99 year old to join hands and prance through a field listening to your station and taking steps towards world peace, way to go.
So the next time you are listening to the radio I want you to think back to when you were 12 and you were at your grandparents house, imagine what you were doing and if you were gathered around the talk box waiting for “the fireside chats” you are too old.
Because chances are you were being pampered and fed too much cotton candy and then running around driving them crazy but at no point were you both sitting around talking about how dreamy the Jonas Brothers are or the musical contributions that Fergie has made to the modern world, you just weren’t. But someone, somewhere, thinks that all things to all people is a) possible and b) possible using Arbitron and one of them is very wrong, the other is just sorta wrong. I will let you figure out which is which.
Ah, but you know these radio people-if they can’t have their Arbitron ratings, they’ll act as bratty as a 3-year old, and pull temper tantrums, because Arbitron is the center of their universe. Makes you want to go and live in England, and work for the BBC.