A new year means a new phase of cost cutting measures in the magical world of radio. And if there is one thing that Radio People love, it is to speculate. Webster defines it as the act of “pondering a subject” the problem is most Radio People cannot read, nor are they frequenters to anything as useful as Webster.com when they have their life-long membership to milfhunters.com the decision seems pretty simple to me.
Regardless, for the past three weeks Radio People have been gathering around the Red Bull machine and crushing up Adderall into their coffee in hopes that they may speculate on what will happen to all the other Radio People that work for Clear Channel. You see, Clear Channel is currently holding meetings in Dallas where they are not only hoping to figure out who killed JR but they are creating new budgets for 2009 that may or may not have some drastic ramifications for the industry as a whole.
Some of those things that being speculated are that Clear Channel will move their corporate headquaters to Jupiter in hopes that the People Meter will make them look better up there in “key demos” and that the Jupiterians will have never heard of Trim-Spa so they can re-inject that stream of revenue back into their portfolio.
App Store for the iPhone
Clear Channel is also planning on converting all of their radio stations into one format called God. This format will do something that has never been done before, it will be all things to all people or will systematically eliminate those who do not believe. It will do this using their iHeart Radio app for the iPhone. The thinking is, if you downloaded iHeart Radio you agree to actually love radio and anything shy of pure love is punishable by death which one would agree to by entering the app store.
Clear Channel is going to finally eliminate their entire programming staff and replace them will well-schooled squirrels. These squirrels are graduates of the same Black-Ops program that trained dolphins to find mines in the ocean in World War II. However these squirrels understand the subtle differences between Lil Wayne and T-Pain songs which is difficult to teach to an animal who really is just “trying to get a nut” as Coolio so eloquently put it.
After years spent researching, bleaching down, and sterilizing the industry Clear Channel has realized that the problem with the industry is not the industry itself, but the listeners. The now major inconvenience of dealing with “the listener” as a near constant bother between their questions, phone calls, requests, and even just showing up places that Radio People happen to be, Clear Channel will take drastic measures to work with President Elect Obama to deport the listeners to the Gaza Strip in hopes that the distraction will keep Hamas and Israel busy so Obama can get some work done and Clear Channel can go back to figuring out how many different ways you can spell “Kiss” before it doesn’t actually spell “Kiis” and they will need a new brand.
We are always looking for more speculation so if you work for Clear Channel or just have a Radio Person “hunch” of what may happen you can put them in the comments below.
Happy New Year!
-SRPL
Damn those smart ass squirrels!