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You ever wonder what happens when a radio guy and a record guy have a conversation using canned pre-fab questions?  Neither do we.  But since magazines are dying and the web has all this empty space that needs to be filled

FMQB is going to fill it with two guys, one interview…

 

The gist is if Mario Lopez interviewed himself on how great he is while doing situps with the Lakers on his back, you might get the picture of what these face-offs are all about. 

Questions like “What would I be surprised to see on your iPod?” garner answers that surprisingly are not as simple as the word music. 

Because PDs are busy these days so if they can spell the artists correctly that is a win, let alone if they actually have heard the song prior to it hitting the airwaves.  Now you are trying to tell me that there is an army of radio people enjoying the irony of putting themselves out of business by spending more time creating their own playlists rather than a playlist for their audience, but I digress.

 

How bout a question like “What do you think is happening on the show Lost?”  Radio people love kitsch and nothing is kitschier than pseudo-hipster attention to a show that was over 5 seasons ago.  Besides the answer is; Lost is about the erosion of the radio listener to tertiary technologies and despite our want to go back in time and kill Steve Jobs he is in actually a Terminator that cannot be killed because at all times he is watched by an invisible Unicorn that works for Arbitron and JJ Abrams.

See Radio People love to do things like “pick the brain” of a person, a house plant, or a cartoon coyote, so things like a Face-Off should be the most exciting thing in their day outside of the trip to Applebees for all you can eat riblets.

 

But sadly, Radio People really haven’t put the work into making Face-Off better than the movie of the same name.  Because both had potential, I think the next time FMQB has such a segment on one of the blank pages of the web it should probably go like this:

Radio Guy: So you have to travel all over the country and listen to guys tell you why a # 1 record doesn’t fit their radio station, have you ever killed a hooker?

Record Guy: To be fair she was homeless

Radio Guy:  When you see someone get an add that should have been yours does that make you want to get a diary from that market and ruin their ratings?

Record Guy: Guilty

Record Guy: What is the worst part about having to deal with record reps?

Radio Guy:  Overall the fact that I don’t have time to listen to music let alone form an opinion because I am too busy trying to figure out my ROI on PPM and how it relates to the M-Score I gave my wife last night

Then at the end of the interview they could each pull off their masks and reveal that it was Joel Denver and Guy Zapolean all along, and they would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those pesky kids…

Click Here. What else is there to say but it is time for a change and change she is a coming…

A new year means a new phase of cost cutting measures in the magical world of radio.  And if there is one thing that Radio People love, it is to speculate.  Webster defines it as the act of “pondering a subject” the problem is most Radio People cannot read, nor are they frequenters to anything as useful as Webster.com when they have their life-long membership to milfhunters.com the decision seems pretty simple to me.

Regardless, for the past three weeks Radio People have been gathering around the Red Bull machine and crushing up Adderall into their coffee in hopes that they may speculate on what will happen to all the other Radio People that work for Clear Channel.  You see, Clear Channel is currently holding meetings in Dallas where they are not only hoping to figure out who killed JR but they are creating new budgets for 2009 that may or may not have some drastic ramifications for the industry as a whole.

Some of those things that being speculated are that Clear Channel will move their corporate headquaters to Jupiter in hopes that the People Meter will make them look better up there in “key demos” and that the Jupiterians will have never heard of Trim-Spa so they can re-inject that stream of revenue back into their portfolio.

App Store for the iPhone

App Store for the iPhone

Clear Channel is also planning on converting all of their radio stations into one format called God.  This format will do something that has never been done before, it will be all things to all people or will systematically eliminate those who do not believe.  It will do this using their iHeart Radio app for the iPhone.  The thinking is,  if you downloaded iHeart Radio you agree to actually love radio and anything shy of pure love is punishable by death which one would agree to by entering the app store.

Clear Channel is going to finally eliminate their entire programming staff and replace them will well-schooled squirrels.  These squirrels are graduates of the same Black-Ops program that trained dolphins to find mines in the ocean in World War II.  However these squirrels understand the subtle differences between Lil Wayne and T-Pain songs which is difficult to teach to an animal who really is just “trying to get a nut” as Coolio so eloquently put it.

After years spent researching, bleaching down, and sterilizing the industry Clear Channel has realized that the problem with the industry is not the industry itself, but the listeners.  The now major inconvenience of dealing with “the listener” as a near constant bother between their questions, phone calls, requests, and even just showing up places that Radio People happen to be,  Clear Channel will take drastic measures to work with President Elect Obama to deport the listeners to the Gaza Strip in hopes that the distraction will keep Hamas and Israel busy so Obama can get some work done and Clear Channel can go back to figuring out how many different ways you can spell “Kiss” before it doesn’t actually spell “Kiis” and they will need a new brand.

We are always looking for more speculation so if you work for Clear Channel or just have a Radio Person “hunch” of what may happen you can put them in the comments below.

Happy New Year!

-SRPL

Most normal people spend their lives figuring out what wonderful utopia they wish to plant their happy asses down in and take a week to forget about their crappy job, shitty boss, or annoying co-workers. But not Radio People, REAL Radio People schedule their vacations, outside of the book clearly, in areas of the country they could get on the air in.

For example if you are lets say the Midday jock on in Springfield, IL and you have a friend who works in Detroit. While most normal people would sooner die than vacation at Disney’s newest attraction, Kwameland…you would pack a bag and head to Detroit in hopes of getting to fill in for an overnight shift for free, to put on your resume that you were on in market number 9.

Or maybe you are really into the iPhone and spent 3 days standing in line waiting for one, if you were a radio person you would parlay that into getting on WGN in Chicago or NPR to talk about your experience so that you could pad the resume: “Technical Advisor to All Things Considered” or “Tech Geek for WGN –CHICAGO.”

I mean I am sure there is even a certain segment of the population of Radio People that would vacation in LA for the chance to be Ryan Seacrest’s fluffer. Not that you could pad a resume with it, but when this all blows up it might be a funny story to tell in the Best Buy break room.

Vacationing is supposed to be that time where you decompress and recharge the batteries to do exciting radio in your home market. Instead it is spent doing radio in another market just so that you can say you did. Often times in markets you would never been good enough to ever work in…but given the state of Radio today, I am not entirely sure where that would be.

Radio People may be the most cynical lot on the planet but there is still one thing that can stop them in their tracks, the kryptonite to their superman egos, a food stuff that is as close to godliness as any one thing on the planet can be, Pizza.

Radio people will do anything for free pizza. Listen to a General Manager drone on about how they need to take their $20K a year and donate money to whatever charity the GM happens to be sitting on the board of. They will stand in line (another thing they never do) for what seems like hours if there is even the possibility of getting some free pie. Want your Radio People to listen to a speech about a credit union for almost an hour, give them free pizza. Just check out this email to see what I mean:

From: ***********
Date: May 22,
To: “(ALL)”
Subject: congrats to Steven

Steven’s name was drawn as the winner of the Popcorn gift basket from **********. For all those that were inquiring about the maker of the pizza, there are some business cards in the breakroom. There are discounts on the back of the card for pizza!

There is also some info on ****** Bank in the breakroom or I have some in my office if you want to take advantage of their offers.

Thanks!

*********

That Radio Person listened to a presentation just to get the free pizza and since he was probably the only guy who stayed, much like the rigged contests in Radio, he won the free popcorn basket. Banner day for that Radio Person.

Is it the doughy crust? The flavorful toppings? The fact that you can eat it on the go? No, it is the fact that it is free and quite possibly the best of the free food that you will find around a radio station. Chances are that is why it ranks so high amongst the Free Food Pyramid outranking Ice Cream Cake and Chips.

So if you have a Radio Person in your life and they may not be doing what things you need them to do…tempt them with a Free Pizza and watch the productivity start flying.

There are a ton of weird things that Radio People embrace as if it is a constitutional right and smoking is one of them.  Which is weird since it messes with their voices and their voices are what make them money.  Imagine if a prizefighter spent his off time seeing what happens if he stuck his hands in a meat grinder, sure he would lose out on millions of dollars, but he would have the satisfaction of knowing what happens when a human hand goes in a meat grinder.  Because the years of eating ground beef could not have taught him that.  I believe that would fall under the “school of hard knocks” curriculum but I am not sure.

 

The problem is that while the world has figured out that smoking messes with your voice, gives you cancer, and costs you thousands of dollars a year, then have begun to make it very hard for you to smoke when you show up for your airshift, which is a far cry from the days when you could smoke in the studio. 

Take this email and please disregard the utter lack of any sort of punctuation and or grammar:

 

Subject: Smoking

 

…So, we purchased a cigarette butt container so staff would have a place to put their butts. They failed to empty it and when it filled up it burned down, scaring the outside of the building.

 

We purchased a new and improve receptacle identical to the old one except it was made of metal. That one was used until it was filled up. Instead of emptying it, an open trash can was brought out to sit next to the overfilled receptacle. Now the trash can is filled and catches on fire.

 

If you wish to continue to have smoking privileges take some personal responsibility and clean up after yourself…or next time it catches fire, don’t use water to put it out….use an accelerant.

 

In most cities you need to be 15 feet away from a doorway in order to smoke outside these days.  This wiley group of smoke-a-holics have figured out a way to smoke so much they can light their own building ON FIRE to prove that Radio People LOVE smoking.

 

So even though smoking in radio used to be cool…Wolfman Jack is dead.  And itchy scratchy smoker voice is usually relegated to the arbitrary Simpsons character or over paid phone sex operators.  But if you are looking on your Radio Person’s webcam and they are not around, chances are it is time to cut their career short faster than consolidation can hunt them down and replace them with talking squirrels.  So, smoke on Radio Person, smoke on.