11) Research

The following post has a pop score of 76 with a potential score of 102

Radio People LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, research, despite never taking a Statistics class.  Research determines what clothes they wear, cars they buy, restaurants, and, oh yes, the songs they play.  Yup, if you thought either of the following things were true, you fell for the biggest ruse in Radio history:

A)    Radio People play requests

B)     Radio People play songs that you want to hear

Radio People have used research since the dawn of time, asking dinosaurs what types of rocks they liked to hear clanked together and then took those rock sounds and developed what we know today as callout research.

Callout research is when a company that is outsourced (or in-sourced depending on the company) takes 2-second clips or the hooks of songs and plays them to people, 36 tracks at a time.  The funny thing is that with the Do Not Call list, these companies can only call people who still have a home phone, are home around 6pm, and want to take 45 minutes to listen to song hooks instead of enjoying dinner with their family, or pet cat.  Those people tend to look like this:

 

And they control ever song you hear.  Wanna know why your favorite radio station is playing Flo Rida 1174 times a day, it’s because that woman picked up the phone and said it was simply the greatest song she had ever heard that was 2 seconds long and over a phone line.

Wanna know why Wilco never gets played on your favorite radio station?  Cause this guy had never heard of Wilco and liked Fergie’s “Clumsy” better.

 

The really interesting thing is that Radio People ignore other research tools in favor of the ones that they are comfortable with. 

Do you have the number one single on iTunes 36 weeks in a row?  Yeah well those 11 million people don’t count like my stay at home mom with a ham addiction.

 

Do you have the #1 album in the country 6 weeks running?  Well, record companies buy all those records to trump up the sales numbers to get the Radio Person to play the song…of course they do.  Although, that certainly would explain why they are broke right now.

Are you the single that gets played on 16 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy?  Too bad nobody watches that show anymore.

 

Are you the most downloaded single in America by 18-34 year olds who are going out of their way to steal it?  Too bad, we don’t care about that demographic…this week it is 16 year old World of Warcraft Bards.

 

You see Radio People will live and die by their research until the radio landscape is a barren wasteland of vanilla stations that sound like every other station across this great divide. They will put all their stock into, despite its obvious flaws and archaic mechanics.  They will stand beside the research of yore, while they tell you that Arbitron wouldn’t know how to sample an audience if it was written on their hand.

 

Pot…this is the kettle, call me.

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10) Satellite Radio

Radio People love the idea of Satellite radio because of all the times they have wanted to say, “fuck” on the radio.  It is a deep desire for every Radio Person to say “fuck” on the radio.  Because that is a peak in Radio that few people other than Howard Stern get to climb.  The other reason that Radio People like Satellite radio is because of all of the different types of music they play.

You see Radio People also tire from playing the same 46 songs 100 or so times a week but that is what their research will tell them to do, never mind the fact that they themselves would never listen to their station and common sense would say if you won’t listen to your product, why would anyone else.  The answer?  It is that Radio People think the average listener looks like this:

 

Whereas Satellite Radio seems to be the nirvana of broadcasting where you can swear, play the songs that you want, it rains vodka, and strippers pay you, instead of the other way around.  Satellite Radio has taken what Radio People “have always wanted to do” and made it a reality.  Kind of like Peanut Butter Twix…it is the same sort of candy, but made better with peanut butter, as everything is.  Even the listeners of Satellite Radio are better as most Radio People think they look like this:

 

Because that is how they view themselves in their funhouse mirrors of insanity.

 

Now XM and Sirrius have joined forces and to a Radio Person it seems like a threesome with Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie, when really it is more like Britney Spears and Elliot Spitzer.  And sure, the business model of Satellite is better than terrestrial radio but that is a lot like being the smarter retard.

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8) Opinions Guess what they are like…

Radio People love to hear themselves talk, obviously. But one of the main reasons they do what they do is so that they can express their opinions as either fact (scientific or otherwise) or law (whatever law would govern the undereducated speaking to hundreds of thousand of sheep at the same time.)

Radio People live by the dictum that he who has the microphone, wins. By that I mean if you are listening to a radio station and someone calls in to present an opinon that may go against the Radio Person, he or she will raise their voice in order to goad the listener into raising theirs and then hang up and call them insane. Now this sort of argumentative style doesn’t work too well in real life, which is of course why Radio People are highly addicted to Internet Porn, cause it doesn’t talk back.

The other place that Radio People have begun to spread their opinion is in the blogsphere. This is where it gets a bit dicey because you can’t hang up on email, you can either delete it or if you are smart enough, write around it. Take for example this Radio Person’s blog…about one of their own listeners:

(here is the email from the listener)

Do you really need to keep on blubbering on with these slam dunk type opinions of the masses? .. C,mon (sic) they, {these silly opinions of yours} are too freaking easy, I know your (sic) not that smart,
your (sic) just lucky to have a captive audience of youngsters pounding Budweiser..dawg

Robert

(Here is the witty Radio Person response)

I’ll match wits with you any day of the week Robert.

You see, my job is to be myself. . . literally.

So if you hear me express something, it’s exactly the same thing as overhearing someone else’s conversation at a bar. You have a few options: you can butt out (tune to another station), you can butt in (which you’ve just done), or you can introduce yourself and make a new friend (which every man and woman between the ages of 18 and 49 in insert random city has done.)

Only a real fruit loop would yell at the person to shut up.

Are you mentally ill Robert?

Your friend,

%*$&

Here is the problem. The Radio Person went on the air and probably said something like “Barack Obama could never be President” which before this week’s speech was a pretty common thought, and then said, what do YOU think, call (insert radio station number) or email me at (Radio Person’s email). Then some customer takes time out of their day to write him and says “I think for a guy who speaks his mind for a living, you aren’t that bright” which is his right and the Radio Person did ask for it. The Radio Person, who will defend their opinion to the bitter end, goes off on a customer and actually is so angry that someone would question him, he tells them to listen to another station or join the masses that listen to this guys show.

Another thing about Radio People, everyone is # 1 in some demo…just give them 5 minutes.

The other thing that Radio People will always tell you right after they give an opinion is that it is their job to “just be themselves” which is the biggest line of utter horse shit you have ever heard. There job is to be entertaining and at times, if able to be, enlightening. But regular people aren’t either…so like a resume, you trump up some excitement by taking an opinion you heard on Fox News and presenting it as yours and then blast off on the first third shift GM worker who took time to share his thoughts with you.

That is how Apple got all its customers, that is how Goggle took over the Internet and that is how Radio People do it. Wanna build an audience? Piss em off one person at a time and trust me in about 90 days your cume will be through the roof and you won’t have enough pre-fab opinions or witty email responses to keep up with em all. But what do I know I am just giving you my opinion and daring you to email me about it.

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7) Alliteration

There is no greater accomplishment in the mind of a Radio Person than that perfect alliteration. Webster defines it as: the repetition of usually initial consonant sounds in two or more neighboring words or syllables. To a Radio Person this is very nearly a prerequisite of the job. You take your name or the name of your show and match it up with a word and then call it a benchmark of your show, sell it to a sponsor and you my friend are not only one smart DJ but certainly have the makings of a top notch Program Director. Here are some tried and true examples.
“The Hot 8 at 8” You take the 8 hottest songs and you play them at, you guessed it, 8 O’clock.

Do you have a competitor in the market?
Kill their countdown with “The Nightly 9 at 9” they will shutter in your benevolent presence.

Well, what if you are an afternoon Radio Person?
I give you “The Drive at Five” This way you don’t actually have to do anything. You don’t change the music, play requests or give anything away and you can still sell it to a sponsor, alliteration at its best.

But I think the single best example I have seen this week of alliteration that may have gone too far is:

Yup, Kim’s Kitty Corner…I mean fuck, does it get any better than that. Her name, her corner of the web and it is basically a daily update of LOL cats who don’t have homes or cute catch phrases. This my friends, is the holy grail of alliteration. In fact, the only thing that would have made this benchmark perfect would be to spell corner with a “k.”

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6) All Access

If I were to say to you that Radio People love their names, it would be the largest understament since “Mission Accomplished,” was uttered by George W. Bush, cause Radio People LOVE their names.  They love hearing their name, saying their name and most importantly see their names in print.  This is where All Access comes in cause they love printing Radio People’s names almost as much as Radio People love seeing them.

You remember when you were a kid and your mother would congratulate you when you went doddy in the potty?  That is a lot like what All Access does for Radio People.  Were you able to get a phone call on the air and allow hilarity to ensue, All Access will write about it.  Did you get an interview with Gary Coleman where you got him to wrestle a midget?  All Access will write about it.  Don’t believe me?  Here is a story from today:

 Rector And Michaels Duke It Out For Charity 

The fight was a benefit for the CHARLEY FOUNDATION, a non-profit organization that provides support to charitable agencies addressing the critical needs of children.Since most of you reading this were not present, here’s what it looked like- remember when you were in junior high and you and your friends would circle around two kids trying to box in the school-yard…same deal.

RECTOR and MICHAELS boxed to a draw and both guys really handled themselves well for the 3-round match. RECTOR was able to knock GATOR down at one point. Congrats to both of JIMMY and GATOR for being good sports for a great cause.So what about next year?

All we know so far is that RCA/NASHVILLE VP/Promo KEITH GALE, who was RECTOR’s corner-man, was wearing a shirt that read:
GALE vs. BORCHETTA in ’09. Let the trash-talk commence.  

In fact, there are Radio People that send All Access near daily updates on the status of their shows and get angry when All Access doesn’t print them all.  And to be fair it is a good source of actual news when it isn’t busy posting stories about boxing matches, Llama contests, or who interviewed Barrack Obama this week.

On the other hand they do also provide Radio People with the single greatest achievement for a Radio Person on a given website…10 Questions with All Access.  This is where the site asks Radio People 10 questions (I know, genius) and they spend a full day coming up with the snarkiest answer to prove to their peers that they are in fact the smartest dumb guy in the room.  And my favorite part is the “bonus question” where they ask a Radio Person about music (which is always a mistake) and they will work overtime to come up with the most obscure answer to seem mysterious and indie…when they are clearly neither and got the songs from a blog by Ellen Page.  Like this one:

 What ringtone do you have on your cell? “Scotty Doesn’t Know” by Lustra, and “Sex and Beer” by Pat McCurdy.

Or this one:

 4) Name the artist/act (living or dead) you’d love to meet and why? Willie Nelson. I hear he knows how to party.

But I think the best part is when they interview people who are unemployed and ask them why in a feature they like to call “On the Beach.”  Undoubtedly the Radio Person is so happy to get some ink in a trade mag they will say anything no matter how incriminating it may be.  So to that I certainly give All Access credit and somebody there has a great sense of humor and or irony.  Check this one out…

 8) What do you miss most about the music/radio business? Free tickets to my beloved Minnesota Vikings/Twins/Wolves and Wild. Do you realize how expensive those tickets are if you actually have to buy them? WOW!

How bout a paycheck, or a job, or the love of the art form?  No you miss plugola which might explain why this Radio Person is out of a job.

Try this one:

 7) What do you miss most about radio? The least? The free movie tickets … no, the listeners! I really do! Being from San Antonio, everywhere I go they recognize my voice (thank God not my face) and ask me what happened? I miss being able to communicate with my listeners! 

 I am sure he really does miss the movie tickets, again which is probably why he is out of a job.  But this how All Access thrives, on the Radio Person who needs to see their name in print, good or bad, or even idiotic they will send it to All Access to see if they will print it so all over the industry Radio People will say “Did you see All Access today?”

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5) The Bar Tab

At first glance I am sure you are thinking “Who wouldn’t like a bar tab?”  But for Radio People, a Bar Tab is tantamount to pants when going out to a club (I would have used underwear but I am not sure that is really a prerequisite for some people these days.)  Radio People have become so spoiled after years in the club that they will not even enter a bar if there is a chance they would have to actually pay for a drink.  The hottest club in town could be “black listed” by the Radio People if they don’t throw open the doors and give Radio People the Red Carpet treatment.

To a Radio Person, the Bar Tab is a god given right and in certain circumstances serious enough to consider a Constitutional amendment.  And to be fair, for the most part, while on the clock most establishments will take care of the Radio Person because they are bringing people into their club and honestly a drunk Radio Person is a lot easier to deal with than a sober one (they get rather whiny.) 

The problem comes when it is a night they are not working and they start demanding bottle after bottle of Patron, Belvedere, or Hennessy.  Undoubtedly the Radio Person will demand this bottle service on the club’s busiest night, after making a scene for having to wait in a line, and then fail to tip…”we don’t make that much money besides, do you know how much business I bring this place.”  Never mind the fact that the bartender, who serves the bottle service, doesn’t own the club and thus doesn’t retire in Tahiti with the bar owner after the throngs of the Radio Person’s flock are done spending their welfare checks on Jager-Bombs.

 It is just this very reason why Record People stopped doing market visits on the weekends.  You want to know why Record Companies lost all that money in the last couple of years.  It wasn’t a failure to embrace the Internet; it was one too many nights of Radio People working overtime to drink all the top shelf liquor in the various watering holes in their respective town.  I mean do the math, take one $100 Bar Tab (which is being VERY conservative) and multiply that by the average number of cities a Record Person visits in a road trip, lets call it 5.  So that is $500 a week for one rep, now multiply that by reps doing the same thing at the same time in the top 50 markets in the country and you have spent $25,000 in one week on Appletini’s.  Now take that into 52 weeks a year and you have spent enough money on booze which ultimately gets the Radio Person too drunk to remember to play your song and you have then spent 1.3 Million Dollars on something that makes both the night and the song forgettable to the Radio Person who is already looking for the next V.I.P section to crash.

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4) Dane Cook

 

Nothing epitomizes a Radio Persons wants and needs better than Dane Cook.  Radio People LOVE Dane Cook because he, in a nutshell, is everything that they strive to be.  Dane Cook steals other people’s ideas and makes them his own, so do Radio People.  Radio People subscribe to what are called Prep Services where they get ideas for their shows sent to them, because coming up with ideas is far too taxing.  Then they take those ideas and make them there own and write press releases on the genius “bit” they just came up with, which was actually sent to them by the folks at The Complete Sheet, which was probably sent to them by Jay Leno, who got it from…wait for it, Joe Rogan.

Dane Cook is famous because he as 1 Million friends on MySpace, Radio People use Friend Blaster to catch up. Because everyone knows fake digital friends are truer today than real-life ordinary friends.  Radio People think that this will get them discovered, perhaps even, by Dane Cook himself, as the next pop icon de jour, the next Howard Stern, the next Glen Beck…but miss the point entirely.

Dane Cook over-enunciates every word until they are funny or at least sound funny, Radio People laugh at their own jokes.  Radio People do this because they can’t see their audience and don’t trust their own comedic radar…which is of course how they got to like Dane Cook in the first place.  So the next time you hear the wacky Radio Person on your “morning zoo” say something like “7:45, quarter to 8 in the morning, if you have to be at work by 7:30 you are late” they are channeling their inner Dane Cook.

 

Dane Cook is rumored to have a bit of an ego, in some circles may even be an asshole.  Radio People get that a lot too.  Have you ever been at a club and some 37-year-old in a Fubu Jersey tries to get into the club but is turned away because of dress code?  If his response is “Don’t you know who I am?” It is a Radio Person channeling their inner Dane Cook.

 

Radio People own multiple copies of Harmful If Swallowed so they can suck up all the Dane Cook they can in a 24-hour period.  On their iPod, in their Blu-Ray, on their Tivo, anywhere Dane Cook as a medium can be captured, Radio People have it book marked.  They do this for two reasons, first so that they can further emulate their collective idol, and second because if they can steal a Dane Cook joke (which undoubtedly was stolen from somebody else) and use it on their “show “ first they lower their “poser factor”.  Then, at the next Radio Camp (get to that later) they can complain about the talent less hack in their market that is beating them who, “just steals from Dane Cook, I mean, where is the talent in that?”

 So if you are thinking that Radio is the way for you and you don’t think that Dane Cook invented Scientology, heed this warning.  These are not the people for you.  They will brainwash you into thinking Dane is good and the next thing you know your iPod will be filled up with Dane Cook shows and every song that every gets used in a Macbook commercial and eventually your tastes will be wholly determined by a blog written by Ellen Page.

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3) Crown Royal

Not since the ancient Samurai first sheathed their swords has the receptacle for a tool of the trade been so important. To a Radio Person there is really only one acceptable item for storing their headphones, the Crown Royal bag. It really is the perfect bag for the job, it is purple which indicates royalty, it is alcohol so it indicates you party, and most Radio People think they are the first to invent the Crown Royal idea so it indicates innovation.But don’t think the decision to go with Crown Royal came about so easily. Many other receptacles were tested and while the alcohol component was a must, the brand was debated for a millennia.There was the brief period of time when the Patron box was all the rage, but it ended up being too clumsy and wasn’t nearly as suave as the Crown Royal bag. Then there was the Hennessy Gift Pack, which was an excellent way to carry around headphones because it certainly sent a message.  It looked a lot like a gift for Jesus, which Radio People strive to be, but ended up being bigger than the modern day mixing board so it was ultimately passed on for something less extravagant and more convenient.

 And finally there was a moment where the Bushmills tin was looked at but since you needed a doctorate in physics in order to get the headphones in and out of the tin it was passed on as the median I.Q. of Radio People is a far cry from anything that even resembles a doctor.

So Crown Royal won the bidding war for Radio People and their headphones and it is the telltale purple sack that will help you pick out a Radio Person when you are at Steak and Shake at 3am.  Because Radio People want you to know they were just at a gig and you, sadly, were not.

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#9 Irony

 

Nobody enjoys a healthy dose of government officials getting what is coming to them, especially when they had caused Radio People and their Record Friends such pain an agony.  Just ask Dave Universal.  Before Eliot Spitzer he went to home Yankees game, before Eliot Spitzer he went to EVERY home Yankees game for music meetings.  Did I mention he lived in Buffalo at the time?  That is a 6-hour drive if you are playing at home, and trust me, he didn’t drive to those games.

 

You see there was a time when Radio People could get Big Screen TVs, DVD Players, Xbox’s, Cars, Laptops, hookers, and even cocaine, all in the name of getting the careers of Clay Akien, David Hasslehoff, and ELO’s up and running.  Eliot Spitzer’s moral compass thought that was one of the new seven deadly sins; “thou shall not add shitty records for cool swag” I think that is going to be in Leviticus in the 2009 version of Madden Bible. 

The story goes that Eliot’s assistant was in Florida and one of the brighter VPs of a major record company tried to pick her up by flying her to the Caribbean and said his company would fit the bill.  When she asked what he did, he told her and she thought…”My boss is trying to get into public office and he needs a cause to pioneer and lives to ruin, this will be perfect.” With that she called Eliot and he picked the ball up and ran all the way to the Governors office of New York. 

Once there the old adage “absolute power corrupts absolutely” came true.  You see while Eliot HATED records, radio stations, and fun…but he loved tiny girls who charge him $5000 an hour.  What does one get for $5000 an hour and does it include meat gravy, a plunger, and a balding sheep?  Know only as Client # 9 (I am sure Yoko Ono LOVES that one) he got his big public office in the sky, three beautiful kids, and a understanding wife…but fuck it, he needed to pay for sex and got caught. 

 

Now I am sure Dave Universal is wasted somewhere on a record companies dime because Radio People NEVER forget.  There are very few groups of individuals that hold a grudge as long as Radio People do, just ask Janet Jackson.  And for Eliot Spitzer it is the end of the line.  He has stepped down and there are rumors of impeachment of he and his “moral compass.”  Which proves that when it comes to Radio People you only need to know one thing, we are probably the wrong people to fuck with…especially if you have a healthy appetite for high-end hookers.

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1) Pictures with “stars”

There are very few things that get the blood pumping in a radio person than the idea that a star would be coming to their station. Even the very thought of a “star” coming to the area sends them into fits of preparation that rivals some weddings. Radio People will miss client meetings, staff appointments, being fired by the General Manager, show up with 2 minutes to go before their shift…but bring a “star” into the mix and they will get up no matter what the hour of day, or how little sleep they have had.

Why? Because Radio People missed the memo on actual artwork; and instead have decorated their houses with photos of themselves with people who don’t know their name. Monet? Van Gogh? Dali? Hell even “Dogs Playing Poker” by Coolidge takes a backseat to a Kelly Clarkson, Eminem, or even the girls from Eden’s Crush. Whatever happened to them anyway?

Sometimes you can even watch a star cross the country by checking out Radio People’s My Space pages. Take Danity Kane for example, in the past two weeks they have been all over the country promoting their new song “Damaged.” As one of the jobs for an artist trying to break a single is a “promo tour” where they go from town to town in hopes of breaking the “Meeting Douche Bags Per Capita” record by visiting radio stations. You, the MySpacer, can watch this tour by clicking on your favorite Radio Person’s MySpace. If he or she has pictures of Danity Kane on their page, they have been there. If not, they are coming.

But be careful, a Radio Person will do ANYTHING to get these photos. They will push you out of the way, they will take a listeners spot in a Meet and Greet, they will sell their mothers on Ebay because without photos with “stars” it is almost like Radio People don’t exist.

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